school blues

Today.... I felt like an actual college student. This semester includes: 18 credits, a huge research project, designing a program intervention plan, 2 big papers, too much group work, and I don't even know what else. All of that along with Young Life, work, trying to have a social life, trying to find me time, etc. Needless to say, I'm feeling a little bit overwhelmed. (Disclaimer, I am not intending to whine or complain)

As sad as it is though, today was one of the only times in the last 3 years that I have actually felt like a college student. I had to go to the 4th floor of the library, who ever goes there right?, to find some books for my research project. I spent an hour or two sorting through the shelves, reading abstracts, looking up tables and statistics, etc. I then proceeded to check out 7 books, that I had to carry around the rest of the day (stupid decision). As much as I am dreading this research project, I was also somewhat excited to feel like a real college kid and feel like I was actually putting in effort to earn my degree.

All of this made me realize something else though. I don't think it's time to call it "Senioritis" yet, but something similar... I'm going to go with the "school blues." I have always, ALWAYS loved school, learning new things, challenging myself..... but I am just getting a little bit sick of it. I have really enjoyed my major and my minor so far, but as graduation grows near, I think I am starting to realize that I don't feel like I have learned that much? Maybe it's because I had a different idea of what I thought college would be like. Maybe it's because I have never felt incredibly drawn to any traditional profession that can be obtained through the various different colleges within U of A. Maybe I am doubting my choice of study or getting nervous about graduation. Whatever it is, I just feel like I am in a school rut. I feel like the last 3 years have been spent working my butt off to get A's.... and I got them, but can I look back and recall important things I learned from each class? I honestly don't think I can. That makes me sad and frustrated. U of A has been overall a great experience, one that I wouldn't trade for anything, but why am I feeling like all of the time and effort I have put in hardly even matters? It feels like society has taught us that we must get the best grades & be the most involved while effortlessly balancing LIFE... but while we strive for perfection, we miss the point of learning. The true joy of sitting down and opening a book, or listening to a professor, or even having a conversation with a friend..... and just learning.... AND ENJOYING IT. That is what I miss.

So maybe I am just worn out from years of being a perfectionist. Maybe it's like Alycia and I have been talking about.... that we're just ready to get out of the Academic world.... get away from all of the competition. Maybe it's just that it's a rough semester. WHATEVER it is, I feel like my passion for school is gone, and that makes me feel a little empty. I don't want to spend the next 8 months simply memorizing bullet points to ace tests. I want to feel passionate about learning again. But is there a chance my gas tank for school is simply running on empty... just in time for graduation? Or does my battery just need to be recharged? I don't know, but it is a strange feeling.

deep breaths, new beginnings

"First it begins inside your heart.
Something moves
Then opens.
Then frees itself.
And now you feel a rhythm breaking its long silence.
This is going to be good."


I love how every once in a while, someone comes along and makes you feel alive again. Feels like a breath of fresh air. Letting go of the old and embracing the new. Recognizing that old wounds have healed. Deep breaths. New beginnings.

roomies

Life with roommates really is great. Over the summer, I moved back home and although my dogs are perfect roommates and my parents aren't too bad most of the time, I truly missed living with roommates. I was so blessed to have lived in the Young Life House the past two years. Although there were times that I wanted to rip my hair out or punch someone in the face, I am so thankful that I can look back on the experience and truly appreciate all of the ups and downs, all of the friendships that were formed, all of the outrageous memories and quotes, and just the experience as a whole. I am so so so happy I got to live with all of these wonderful people:



That brings me to this year. I am finally moved into the new house on Highland. It was a rough start for sure between landlord issues, dates getting pushed back, finding furniture, trying to decorate the numerous incredibly white walls, etc. But I finally feel like I am settled here. It has been so much fun decorating my new room. I feel like my style has definitely evolved a little bit each year and this year my room finally feels so "me." I am also so excited to get to live with Lauren and Lauren for the third year in a row, as well as Lexi for the first time! I have such a good feeling about this year and can't wait to see what it entails.