school blues

Today.... I felt like an actual college student. This semester includes: 18 credits, a huge research project, designing a program intervention plan, 2 big papers, too much group work, and I don't even know what else. All of that along with Young Life, work, trying to have a social life, trying to find me time, etc. Needless to say, I'm feeling a little bit overwhelmed. (Disclaimer, I am not intending to whine or complain)

As sad as it is though, today was one of the only times in the last 3 years that I have actually felt like a college student. I had to go to the 4th floor of the library, who ever goes there right?, to find some books for my research project. I spent an hour or two sorting through the shelves, reading abstracts, looking up tables and statistics, etc. I then proceeded to check out 7 books, that I had to carry around the rest of the day (stupid decision). As much as I am dreading this research project, I was also somewhat excited to feel like a real college kid and feel like I was actually putting in effort to earn my degree.

All of this made me realize something else though. I don't think it's time to call it "Senioritis" yet, but something similar... I'm going to go with the "school blues." I have always, ALWAYS loved school, learning new things, challenging myself..... but I am just getting a little bit sick of it. I have really enjoyed my major and my minor so far, but as graduation grows near, I think I am starting to realize that I don't feel like I have learned that much? Maybe it's because I had a different idea of what I thought college would be like. Maybe it's because I have never felt incredibly drawn to any traditional profession that can be obtained through the various different colleges within U of A. Maybe I am doubting my choice of study or getting nervous about graduation. Whatever it is, I just feel like I am in a school rut. I feel like the last 3 years have been spent working my butt off to get A's.... and I got them, but can I look back and recall important things I learned from each class? I honestly don't think I can. That makes me sad and frustrated. U of A has been overall a great experience, one that I wouldn't trade for anything, but why am I feeling like all of the time and effort I have put in hardly even matters? It feels like society has taught us that we must get the best grades & be the most involved while effortlessly balancing LIFE... but while we strive for perfection, we miss the point of learning. The true joy of sitting down and opening a book, or listening to a professor, or even having a conversation with a friend..... and just learning.... AND ENJOYING IT. That is what I miss.

So maybe I am just worn out from years of being a perfectionist. Maybe it's like Alycia and I have been talking about.... that we're just ready to get out of the Academic world.... get away from all of the competition. Maybe it's just that it's a rough semester. WHATEVER it is, I feel like my passion for school is gone, and that makes me feel a little empty. I don't want to spend the next 8 months simply memorizing bullet points to ace tests. I want to feel passionate about learning again. But is there a chance my gas tank for school is simply running on empty... just in time for graduation? Or does my battery just need to be recharged? I don't know, but it is a strange feeling.