can we pretend

that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

Okay sorry, I cannot get that song out of my head. SPEAKING OF airplanes.... I bought my plane tickets tonight. Oregon August 1st- 7th. I am beyond ecstatic! As I was talking through the dates with my mom, I could just feel my mood change and I have been so happy this whole night. I can't even fall asleep. I know it's still a whole month away, but I just can't wait.

My mom and I babysat my nephew, Conner, today and it was so great. He was so full of smiles and really didn't cry at all. He is such a little bundle of joy..... Also, he is pretty much a baby model.


This little boy is really going to grow up to be a dog lover that's for sure. He already is so fascinated by them. Maggie thinks he is pretty neat too. : ]

savers

So I went to Savers this weekend and I am very proud of my purchases.

Item #1- a couple of old mason jars


I think I'm going to use them to create something like this for my house next year : ]

I found this idea on a wedding website, of course, but I really love it as a household decoration as well. I might get some smaller glass containers like the ones in the picture, but we'll see. I really love old mason jars, they have such character.

Item # 2- random belt ($3)

The dress I didn't find at Savers, however it is my new favorite summer item from Forever : ] I just thought this belt was fun & quirky.... and for $3 how could I pass it up?

Item # 3 - vintage purse! ($5)

I've been looking for a new purse because, sadly, my wonderful rice sack purse from Oregon is falling apart. I wasn't actually looking for a used one but when I saw this one I knew it was exactly what I was looking for. I think it has a good summer feel to it : ]
So time to make the switch. I will miss my rice sack bag, but I will not miss it shedding on me.

P.S- I only have a toothbrush in there because it was a new one from when I got my teeth cleaned recently haha! But I will admit that I always carry floss in my purse.

people

It's been a long day. For some reason I'm feeling extra tired as this week is coming to a close. Maybe because it was the first week that I combined LOTS of school, work, and the gym. Who knows. Only 6 1/2 hours of work tomorrow and then I can relax on Sunday : ]

There are a lot of people I miss right now. Of course there are all of my Young Life friends that are away for the summer. Tucson no longer feels the same without them. But then there is Melissa, my best friend, who has been gone for about a month now and I miss her more than words can explain. She is my rock, she is my person, she is the one who truly understands me. We have both been so busy that we have barely even talked and it's killing me. I can't wait for her to be home in one more month. Rachele just made it to Argentina! I am so excited for her to have this study abroad experience, but I can't believe I won't see her until January.... makes me want to cry every time I think about it. Alycia is off to England in a couple days! So excited for her as well. All of my friends' trips are making me CRAVE an adventure. Hopefully I'll make it to Oregon in the beginning of August.

Tonight was such an odd night. Had lots of interesting customers tonight.... very interesting. I must say, I really do enjoy (most days) the customer service aspect of jobs. I love talking to people and getting to know the "regulars." Tonight, Marilyn and I were talking about how we always feel so welcome when we go into Chic-Fil-A and that we hope we make customers feel like that at Cold Snap. Well tonight I was feeling really tired, I think it was the clouds, so on my break I just wanted to sit and eat my salad and just sit for 1/2 hour..... well I didn't get to do that. When I first walked next door to get some food, the guy that was working started talking to me like we were old friends. Then, the girl that brought me my food, someone I've seen before but never had a conversation with, was very chatty. At first I was annoyed.... really annoyed, but as we kept talking I realized that she clearly needed someone to talk to, or just someone to listen. She started telling me all about her life, her pregnancy, etc. and I actually really enjoyed talking to her. Even though I was annoyed at first because I wanted my alone time, I realized that not everyone has someone to talk to and I was just happy that I could sit and listen to this girl talk tonight. Well much to my surprise, it happened to me AGAIN with one of my customers about an hour later. Quite amusing, but also nice.

At the end of the day, it really feels good to have been a part of some complete strangers' days... whether they were just really outgoing or I was the only person all day to have really listened to them and made them feel comfortable. Everyone has a story and everyone wants to be heard. I think getting to know people, hearing their stories, finding out what unique quirks they have, what their dreams and passions are..... is one of the most amazing things we can do in life.

be free

It's been a week since things fizzled out with a guy I was sort of dating? Regardless of what we were, I was pretty bummed because 2 months of my life we're invested in it. I don't want to say that it was a waste of time because, well it wasn't... I really did like the guy, but we all live and learn, right? However, I am someone that opens and gives my heart to people, not just guys, very freely. As much as I like people, I am also someone that likes to be alone.... (so if I make the time to hang out with you I must really like you!) Besides investing my heart in things, sometimes I think I may actually be too trusting, too forgiving, too hopeful... but is there such a thing? I don't know. I think in the past it has gotten me in trouble, it has set me up for some heartbreaks, and has left me feeling sad and empty. Yet, I continue to trust people I maybe shouldn't, forgive endlessly, and place hope in things perhaps I shouldn't. But I honestly don't think I'd like to do it any other way.

Well today I placed a lot of hope and trust in someone who rarely let's me down.... but long story short, I was pretty let down. I was left having a pity party for myself and feeling like I just couldn't deal with it today. So I ended up going to one of my 2 favorite places in Tucson, Agua Caliente Park. This park is so full of meaning for me. From girl scout activities, to feeding ducks with my best friend, to sitting in my first boyfriend's truck in the parking lot, to dog adventures..... this park sure holds lots of dear memories. It is also where I go to escape, to think, to let go and be free.

As I was sitting on a bench, I overheard two women talking. One of them said, " Ya know, I think this is a very spiritual place," and the other woman replied, "Yeah, and I think it really brings out the best in people." It made my day. I went there because I was feeling upset and alone and as I was sitting there I just felt like the best version of myself. I realized that I can continue to trust and love and forgive with no regrets or bounds, but inevitably people are going to let me down, let us down. The only one who is never going to let me down is my God. So whether or not these woman were talking about "spiritual" in well, whatever way they meant it, today it did become a spiritual place for me. A place where I could sit and be content in my aloneness, in my singleness, in my emotions and just be thankful knowing that the Lord is right there by my side.....

It is a place where I can just Be Free.
Do you have a place like this? That brings out the best in you? That makes you feel alive? I sure hope so. We all deserve one : ]

summer school

Welp, I'm up early making corn bread for class. Yes that is right, I am making food for a college class. (This week we've been studying African American culture and each Thursday someone brings a typical food from that culture). I was dreading summer school SOOO much.... BUT I have been blessed with not only the easiest class, but also a very interesting one complete with one of the most amazing teachers I've ever had. I actually wake up excited to go to school most days and it has been a long time since that has happened to me.

I have always loved school. Growing up it was always my "thing." I always got straight A's, enjoyed my classes, and loved my teachers. Since high school though that has been changing. Last semester I was blessed with a really amazing Family Studies teacher whom I developed a really great relationship with. Besides that though, college teachers/classes have not been the most enjoyable thing. I love my major and do enjoy most of those classes but it makes me sad that I haven't had many other classes the past 3 years that I've been excited to go to or feel like I have learned anything valuable from.

Well this summer I am taking a humanities course at Pima (my first Pima experience). My teacher is 77. He is one of the most interesting human beings I've ever met. He tells us stories about remembering Pearl Harbor, working on the Mexico border, teaching in China, being in the same town when Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was killed, etc. He is also a believer and every once in a while when we are analyzing short stories that we read, he will bring up biblical facts and Christian beliefs, which I enjoy quite a bit. Also, small world.... he was saved in Young Life WAY back in the day. Basically, I just really enjoy his enthusiasm for teaching us about different cultures. It makes me wish all teachers had that passion for teaching shining through them every class period. That is how it should be!

be here now

Wow, It's been over a month since my last post. A lot has happened since then.
School ended
Summer started
All of my friends left
Moved home for the summer
Started a new job
Started summer school
Dating ups and downs

I have had so many things I've wanted to get off my chest the last month, yet for some reason I was afraid to write them down. I didn't even journal about them, which is really out of the norm for me. I have always loved to write and especially to write down my feelings. I've come to realize that is how I think best, how I heal best, how I come to figure out what I am truly feeling deep down. Every time I went to start a post, I think I realized I didn't want to expose to myself or others that I was feeling like a mess. Today I realized, Katelyn, what is the point of naming your blog "a beautiful mess" if you're not willing to be vulnerable with yourself and others, but even more.... what am I afraid of? I don't need to prove anything to anyone. I don't need to censor my posts so they are all bright and cheery, or inquisitive and insightful, or full of pictures and profound.

I have not felt like myself this past month but I am starting to feel like I'm crawling out of whatever funk I was in. I feel like I have built a bit of a wall recently. A wall from the Lord. A wall from thinking about what is really best for me. A wall from dealing with life. A wall from letting some people in. I am working on breaking down that wall right now. I really think that wall has been one of the biggest struggles in my walk with the Lord. Sometimes I like to think I know what is best (don't we all), instead of trusting in the Lord. I think it has to do with my independence that I have always been so fond of. I have felt really distant from the Lord this past month, some reasons obvious, others not. But I have come to realize that my walk has been so full of ups and downs like this that I can't beat myself up about it every time it happens. I feel like a little kid who has a little fall and just has to pick themselves right back up.

Tonight at church we sang one of my favorite David Crowder Band songs and it just really hit me tonight. Isn't is so awesome how certain songs touch you in different ways each time you sing them?

"He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves."

I love that whole song and I could talk about how much I like each verse, but tonight I was really struck by the line, "I don't have time to maintain these regrets, When I think about the way he loves us." ......... I don't need to waste time having regrets about not loving or following the Lord like I should have this past month. We don't need to waste time thinking about any of our regrets. That is such a beautiful thing. Just being able to think about how much he loves us... Now that is even better.

This week I want to live thinking about how great his affections are for me, for us. I want to simply, "be here now," one of my favorite phrases. After I was held at gun point, I saw a counselor for a short time because I was suffering from PTSD. That was one of the most useful things I got out of my counseling sessions and a phrase that I try to live my life by.
Be Here Now.